Table of Contents
Pêşkêş
Chapter 1: Our Drive to Bond
Chapter 2: Vibrations baş
Chapter 3: Love Potions
Chapter 4: Four Minds Don’t Think Alike
Chapter 5: Noble Gases: Spreading Peace, Love, and Tulsi Tea
Epilogue
BİXWÎNE A: Lîsteya Kontrola Bandora Hingiv
Pêvek B: Comedies for Cinematherapy
Resources
Endnotes
Naverok
Spasî
Derbarê Author
CHAPTER 1
Bandora Meha Hingivê:
A state of bliss, passion, energy, and health resulting from a huge love. Your life is so beautiful that you can’t wait to get up to start a new day and thank the Universe that you are alive.
A lifetime without Love is of no account.
Love is the Water of Life.
Drink it down with heart and soul.
—Rûmî
Dema ku ez ciwan bûm, ger kesek ji min re bigota ez ê pirtûkek li ser têkiliyan binivîsim, min ê ji wan re bigota ku ew ji ser hişê xwe ne. Min difikirî ku evîn efsaneyek bû ku ji hêla helbestvan û hilberînerên Hollywood ve hatî xewn kirin da ku mirov ji tiştê ku ew çu carî nekarin hes bikin. Evîna herheyî? Bi kêfxweşî Ever Piştî? Ji bîr bike.
Mîna her kesî, ez jî bi rengekî ku di jiyana min de hin tiştên xwezayî çêdikin bername hatim çêkirin. Bernameya min bal kişand ser girîngiya perwerdehiyê. Li ba dê û bavê min, qîmeta perwerdehiyê ferqa jiyana xendekgerekî ku tenê bi rê ve diçû û rêveberê kelek spî yê bi destên nerm û jiyanek nerm bû. Ew bi eşkere di wê ramanê de bûn ku "Hûn bêyî perwerdehiyê nekarin li vê dinyayê tiştek bigihîjin."
Ji ber baweriyên wan, ne ecêb e, dê û bavê min gava ku hate berfirehkirina asoyên min ên perwerdehiyê tiştek paşde negirtin. Bi zelalî tê bîra min ku ez ji pola Novak Xanimê ya pola duyemîn hatim malê, ji nihêrîna min a yekem a li cîhana mîkroskopî ya ecêb a amebayên yek-hucreyî û algayên yekşaneyî yên bedew ên mîna spirogyra ku bi navên balkêş tê navandin, hatim malê. Ez ketim hundurê malê û min ji diya xwe lava kir ku mîkroskopê ji xwe re bike. Bê dudilî, wê tavilê ez ajotim dikanê û mîkroskopa xweya yekem ji min re kirî. Bê guman ev ne heman bersiv bû ji hêrsa ku min avêtibû ser xwesteka xwe ya bêhêvî ji bo bidestxistina kapek Roy Rogers a kowboy, şeş gulebaran, û çolterek!
Tevî qonaxa min a Roy Rogers, ew Albert Einstein bû ku bû lehengê ciwaniya min: Mickey Mantle, Cary Grant, û Elvis Presley hemî di kesayetiyek mezin de derketin. Min her gav ji wêneya ku nîşanî wî dide ku zimanê xwe derxistiye, serê wî bi şokeke teqemenî ya porê spî nixumandî hez dikir. Di heman demê de min ji dîtina Einstein li ser ekrana piçûk a televîzyona (teze dahênerî) ya li odeya me ya rûniştinê ya ku ew wekî dapîr û dapîrekî delal, jîr û lîstikvan xuya dikir, hez kir.
Herî zêde, min şanaziyek mezin bi vê yekê girt ku Einstein, koçberek Cihû mîna bavê min, bi ronahiya xwe ya zanistî pêşdarazî bi ser ket. Carinan dema ku li wîlayeta Westchester, New York mezin dibûm, min xwe wekî derbider hîs dikir; Li bajarê me dê û bav hebûn ku nehiştin ez bi zarokên xwe re bilîzim ku ez "bolşevîzmê" li wan belav bikim. Ji min re hestek serbilindî û ewlehiyê da min ku ez dizanim ku Einstein, ji dûrketinek dûr, mirovek cihû bû ku li seranserê cîhanê rêz û rûmet bû.
Mamosteyên baş, perwerdehiya min-hemû malbat e, û azweriya min a ji bo derbaskirina demjimêran li mîkroskopa min bû sedema doktoraya doktorayê. di biyolojiya hucreyê de û li Zanîngeha Wisconsin Dibistana Bijîjkî û Tenduristiya Giştî de pozîsyonek domdar. Bi awayekî îronîkî, tenê dema ku min pozîsyona xwe li wir hişt ku ez "zanistiya nû" bigerim, tevî lêkolînên li ser mekanîka quantumê, min dest bi fehmkirina cewhera kûr a lehengê kurahiya xwe Einstein ji cîhana me re kir.
Dema ku ez di warê akademîk de pêş ketim, di warên din de ez zarokek poster bûm ji bo bêfunctionê, nemaze di warê têkiliyan de. Ez di 20-saliya xwe de zewicîm dema ku ez pir ciwan bûm û ji hêla hestyarî ve pir negihîştî bûm ku ji bo têkiliyek watedar amade bim. Dema ku piştî 10 salên zewacê min ji bavê xwe re got ku ez berdidim, wî bi tundî li dijî vê yekê nîqaş kir û ji min re got, "Zewac karek e."
Di paşerojê de, bersiva bavê min ji bo kesê ku di sala 1919-an de ji Rusyaya ku di nav birçîbûn, pogrom û şoreşê de mabû, maqûl bû - jiyan ji bo bavê min û malbata wî bi rengek bêhempa dijwar bû û saxbûn her gav di pirsê de bû. Ji ber vê yekê, pênaseya bavê min a têkiliyek hevkariyek xebatê bû ku tê de zewac navgînek zindîbûnê bû, mîna leşkerkirina bûkên fermana posteyê ji hêla pêşengên hişk ên ku di salên 1800-an de li Rojavayê Wild-ê xwedî dikirin.
Zewaca dê û bavê min helwesta bavê min "pêşî karsazî" bû, her çend diya min, ku li Amerîkayê ji dayik bû, felsefeya wî parve nekir. Dê û bavê min şeş rojên hefteyê bi hev re di karsaziyek malbatî ya serketî de dixebitîn lê yek ji zarokên wan nayê bîra wan ku ew ramûsanek an demek romantîk parve kirine. Gava ku ez ketim xortaniya xwe, betalbûna zewaca wan diyar bû dema ku hêrsa diya min li ser têkiliyek bê hezkirin vexwarina bavê min girantir kir. Min û birayê xwe yê biçûk di dolaba xwe de veşart ji ber ku gelek caran nîqaşên destdirêjiya devkî mala me ya berê aştiyane şikand. Dema ku bav û diya min di dawiyê de biryar dan ku di odeyên razanê de bijîn, agirbestek nerehet serdest bû.
Çawa ku di salên 1950-an de gelek dê û bavên ku bi gelemperî nerazî bûn, dêûbavên min ji bo xatirê zarokan bi hev re man - piştî ku birayê min ê piçûk ji malê derket û çû zanîngehê, ew ji hev veqetiyan. Tenê min dixwest ku wan bizanibûya ku modelkirina têkiliya wan a nefunctional ji veqetandina wan ji zarokên wan pir zirardartir bû.
Wê demê, min bavê xwe ji bo jiyana malbata me ya nefunctional sûcdar kir. Lê bi gihîştîbûnê re min fêm kir ku herdu dêûbavên min bi heman rengî berpirsiyar in ji bobelata ku têkiliya wan û ahenga malbata me sabote kir. Ya girîngtir, min dest pê kir ku bibînim ka tevgera wan, çawa di hişê min de hatî bernamekirin, bandor li hewildanên min kir ku ez bi jinên di jiyana min de têkiliyên hezkirinê biafirînim.
In the meantime I experienced years of pain. The dissolution of my own marriage was emotionally devastating, especially because my two wonderful daughters, now grown into loving and accomplished women, were just little girls. So devastating that I vowed never to marry again. Convinced that true love was a myth—at least for me—every day for 17 years I repeated this mantra when I shaved: “I won’t get married again. I won’t get married again.”
Needless to say, I wasn’t committed relationship material! But despite my morning ritual I couldn’t ignore what is a biological imperative for all organisms, from single cells to our 50-trillion-celled bodies—the drive to connect with another organism.
The first Big Love I experienced was a cliché: an older man with a bad case of arrested emotional development falls in love with a younger woman and experiences an intense, hormone-driven, teenaged-style affair. For a year I floated happily through life high on “love potions,” the neurochemicals and hormones coursing through my blood that you’ll read about in Chapter 3. When my teenaged-style love affair inevitably crashed and burned (saying she needed “space,” she rode her bicycle a very short space away into the arms of a cardiovascular surgeon), I spent a year in my big, empty house wallowing in pain and pining for the woman who had left me. Cold turkey is horrible, not just for heroin addicts but also for those whose biochemistry reverts to everyday hormones and neurochemicals in the wake of a failed love affair.
One cold Wisconsin winter day I was sitting alone (as usual) in a chair, ruminating again about the woman who had left me. I suddenly thought, Goddammit, leave me alone! A wise voice that occasionally appears at pivotal times of my life responded, “Bruce, isn’t that exactly what she did?” I burst out laughing and that broke the spell. From then on, any time I started obsessing, I would laugh. Finally, I had gotten past withdrawal through laughter, though I still had a long way to go to get my act together!
How far I was from getting my act together became crystal clear to me when I moved to the Caribbean to teach at an offshore medical school. I was living in the most beautiful place on Earth in a villa by the ocean with gorgeous, sweet-smelling flowers; the villa even came with a gardener and a cook. I wanted to share my new life with someone (though of course not get married—I was still fixated on my morning mantra). I wanted more than a sexual partner. I wanted someone I could share my new life with in the most beautiful place on Earth. But the harder I looked the less I found, even though I had what I thought was the world’s best pickup line: “If you’re not doing anything, how about hanging out with me at my Caribbean villa?”
One night I tried what should have been my surefire pickup line on a woman who had just arrived on Grenada, the picture-perfect island I had come to love. We went to the yacht club bar and chatted. I thought she was interesting so I asked her to stay for a while instead of going back to her job working on the yacht. She looked me in the eye and said, “No, I could never be with you. You’re too needy.” The bullet hit—I was blown back into my chair in silence. After a long, stunned moment, I recovered my speech and managed to say, “Thank you. I needed to hear that.” Not only did I know she was right; I knew that I needed to get my own life together before I could have the truly loving relationship I so desperately wanted.
Then a funny thing happened: as soon as I let go of my desperate quest for a relationship, women who wanted a relationship with me started appearing in my life. Finally, the true inspiration for this book, my beloved Margaret, entered my life and we started living our lives like those portrayed in the romantic comedies I once dismissed as fantasy.
But that’s getting ahead of the story. First I had to learn that I was not “fated” to be alone, that I was not “fated” to have to settle for a series of failed relationships.
I had to learn that not only had I tên afirandin every failed relationship in my life, I could xûliqandin the wonderful relationship I wanted! The first step began in the Caribbean when I experienced the scientific epiphany I described in my first book, Biyolojiya Baweriyê. While mulling over my research on cells, I realized that cells are not controlled by genes and neither are we. That eureka instant was the beginning of my transition, as I chronicled in that book, from an agnostic scientist into a Rumi-quoting scientist who believes we all have the capacity to create our own Heaven on Earth and that eternal life transcends the body.
That instant was also the beginning of my transition from a marriage-phobic skeptic into an adult who finally took responsibility for every failed relationship in his life and realized he could create the relationship of his dreams. In this book, I’ll chronicle that transition using some of the same science outlined in Biyolojiya Baweriyê (and more). I’ll explain why it is not your hormones, your neurochemicals, your genes, or your less-than-ideal upbringing that prevents you from creating the relationships you say you want. Your bawerî are preventing you from experiencing those elusive, loving relationships. Change your beliefs, change your relationships.
Of course, it’s more complicated than that because in relationships between two people there are actually four minds at work. Unless you understand how those four minds can work against each other, even with the best of intentions, you’ll be “looking for love in all the wrong places.” That’s why self-help books and therapy so often foster insight but not actual change—they only deal with two of the four minds at work in relationships!
Think back to the most spectacular love affair of your life—the Big One that toppled you head over heels. You made love for days on end, didn’t need food, barely needed water, and had endless energy: it was The Honeymoon Effect that was to last forever. So often, though, the honeymoon devolves into daily bickering, maybe divorce, or just tolerance. The good news is that it doesn’t have to end that way.
You might think that your Big Love was a coincidence at best or a delusion at worst, and that the collapse of your Big Love was bad luck. But in this book, I’ll explain how you created The Honeymoon Effect in your life and its demise as well. Once you know how you created it and how you lost it, you can, like me, quit whining about your bad karma in relationships and create a happily-ever-after relationship that even a Hollywood producer would love.
After decades of failure, that’s what I finally manifested! Because so many people have asked how we did it, Margaret and I will explain in the Epilogue how we’ve managed to create our happily-ever-after Honeymoon Effect for 17 years and counting. We want to share our story because love is the most potent growth factor for human beings and love is contagious! As you’ll find when you create The Honeymoon Effect in your own life, you’ll attract similarly loving people to you—and the more the merrier. Let’s take Rumi’s eight-century-old advice and revel in our love for each other so this planet can finally evolve into a better place where all organisms can live their own Heaven on Earth. My hope is that this book will launch you on a journey, as that instant in the Caribbean launched me, to create The Honeymoon Effect each and every day of your life.